“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” – Michael Jordan
I know we all have it, but I hate my self-doubt. It creeps up on me in the most inopportune times, and gives me a very nasty shakedown. Let’s call my self-doubt The Carolina Hater, because that’s what it does… It hates me and it wants me to fail. I recently experienced a bout by doubting the quality of my CrossFit Games Articles. I freaked out because it took Peter a few days to send me an email telling me my submission was “great”, “good”, or “bad.” The more days it took him to write, the more I went into a downward spiral. It went something like this: Your Writing Sucked, You Should Have Edited it One Last Time, Why Didn’t You Make It More Interesting?! Just focus on Capital Management, because that’s the only thing you’re good at. These thoughts bounced around my head like arrows, injuring me, until I received an email from Peter, stating my article was awesome. So my need for external validation was quenched. Have I mentioned that I find this pathetic?
I don’t stop there. Before I send an article out or post a blog entry, I re-read it about 1,000 times. I also read everything out-loud to myself. It gets to a point where I have to force myself to send it out / post it, because if I didn’t, I would never submit anything. This self-doubt still haunts me throughout my day job, as I reread emails at least 5 times before sending them out. Reading three sentence emails five times is a royal waste of time. The only way I break through this cycle is by forcing myself to Just Do It.
And then there are certain people that also make The Carolina Hater so extremely active (instead of arrows, imagine: Fire Arrows) that I just sit there, befuddled at what direction to take and where to go from where I’m standing. I’ll call her Eve. She’s about my age, married for about as long as me, loves to travel like me, and that’s where our similarities end. She has two masters degrees, one which she pursued while working, and still traveling, and not being a basket case, like I was, when I tried to work and study at the same time (FAILURE). She claims to be jealous of certain things regarding my life, which always makes me uneasy, because she has a good life. She traveled to three new countries this year for school or work and she’s also taking her bi-yearly trip with her husband to an exotic location (nobody’s keeping track, btw). From my perspective, she has more friends than I do, she travels at around the same pace that I do, she has more boxes ticked than I do (MBA, Certifications, etc), and she’ll probably get promoted before I do. I don’t know why her claims to be jealous bother me so; is it a lack of confidence on my part? Or a lack of belief? And so I waste time thinking, wondering, if I should go down her path, knowing that it’s not the path I want to take at all.
And other people affect me, to a much lesser extent as well. But they still make me wonder where they’re coming from, in sounding judgmental when they talk to me about my choices. I’ve learned to understand that some people are naturally curious, but I can also tell the difference between someone who thinks you’re awesome and someone who thinks you’re dumb, for even attempting to go a non-traditional route.
And so for those people and for The Carolina Hater, the below websites, articles and video are what keep me moving forward, day-to-day. Because that’s the only thing that matters. Of course, I stagnate. Of course, I waste time. But as long as I get my act together and M.O.V.E, you will continue to fail, and I’ll continue to snowball to where I know I belong.
- 10 Ways To Recharge Your Motivation
- CrossFit Lisbeth
- Aspire Fitness Westport CT: Mental Training!
- On Mental Toughness