I don’t know about you, but as a child, teenager, and young adult, I spent years trying to fit in. For decades, my life
revolved around what others at home, at school, and at work thought of me.
If I wasn’t worried about my brothers tormenting me to death, I was focused on fitting in with girls at school. (Boys
were out of the question, as I wouldn’t be “pretty enough” until college). Looking back, I don’t know how I wasted so
I should have listened to my gut in February.
“We take the amateur route instead. Instead of composing our symphony, we create a “shadow symphony,” of which we ourselves are the Orchestra, the conductor, the composer, and the audience. Our life becomes a shadow drama, a shadow start-up company, a shadow philanthropic venture,” – Turning Pro, Steven Pressfield
I have experience in overwhelm.
However, last September still felt different. I was practicing writing. I was building a resume and contacts that would eventually free me of “the man.” Mostly, though, I was enjoying bringing the CrossFit Community stories to life. I felt the stories I found were making an impact.
Things changed. In January, the CrossFit Community Site shut down. When I asked why, I was told it was Glassman’s decision. I took a job as Europe’s CrossFit Media Director for the Games Site. The Media Director job wasn’t about writing at all, but I thought it would be [even though I was told it wasn't, multiple times, by multiple people]. I created schedules, found writers, chased writers for: edits, pictures, follow-up questions, and I edited their work. But after writing about people who overcame obesity, accidents, and deaths, editing writing about CrossFit athletes felt less meaningful to me.
I also started a new day job in February, with a high-needs manager. Spending a day working for someone anal and then coming home to meet someone else’s requests? Not ideal. Additionally, I was managing the blogs of two other businesses.
’To dream anything that you want to dream. That’s the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed.’ Bernard Edmonds
A week or so ago, I was forwarded a presentation by accident. I wasn’t supposed to see it. But I did. The person that forwarded me the presentation came over and demanded that I delete it. I did. When he walked away, I recovered it and became aware of a major project underway to cut our company’s costs. I shared the details with the people I cared about within the group and I offered the information to a few others. Most wanted to know nothing of it, calling me “lucky” to be privy to such private data. I was disappointed people preferred not to be exposed to the truth, especially when I dangled it in front of their pretty little eyes.
Tomorrow, people will be laid off. Not one or two, but dozens. People that have been with the company for twenty-five plus years; they were were celebrated just last year for their loyalty. Someone got notified over email that their access was removed; that email helped them find out that they were on that list. Our group knew beforehand, as a manager had been hired as a buffer between him and our department head. This buffer brought in another woman and another man that layered the already bloated structure, just a tad more. This project has been in the works for months. Months.
It’s impossible to find anybody understanding. I tried to find comfort with a colleague, but he disregarded me and told me he’s lucky he got his mortgage when he did because banks don’t lend money to the unemployed. He’s not in our group. It’s the first time I go through such a sacrilege and I want the employees affected to be treated with respect and dignity. I want them to know that their families will be okay. I don’t want them to feel humiliated and less worthy. I hope they know companies don’t define us, and that only our love and our friends and our families do.
I’m not worried about being affected and maybe I should be. Regardless the outcome, I know I’ll be okay. I’ve got my husband to lean on and a solid support circle of family and friends. People close to me have been through this and they’ve survived and learned to thrive in admirable ways. They’ve been screwed by the system and looked at the system in the face, months later, and said SCREW YOU back. This could force me to make the changes I’ve been too fearful to make. It’s time to prep for my perfect life.
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